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I know it’s been awhile, I really want to write, but…
well, I’m tired. My 4 day weekend was awesome. Today though, well you know how it is when reality sets in. Back to the daily routine. I’m exhausted. I got used to sleeping in and going to bed late, and suffered for it last night. InshaAllah tomorrow will be a much better day. I don’t have to run all over the place. I can relax…. relax.
Sorry I’ve been missing for awhile. Maybe I’ll get a chance to write all about it tomorrow.
It was fall cleaning day yesterday. I cleaned like I haven’t cleaned in quite some time. I hit all the nooks and crannies. I did laundry on Saturday; blankets, pillows, rugs, and everything else. I’m enjoying the clean and ready to smack my sister if she messes it up. Seriously though, I worked so hard this weekend and I’m enjoying it. I’m looking forward to 4 days of relaxation in a clean apartment.
My sister will be almost non-existent since she works retail. Friday is the biggest shopping day of the year ya’ll. My mom was trying to convince me that I needed to go shopping at the outlet mall; it will be open at midnight Thursday. She tried to convince my sister first (obviously didn’t think that one through). I’ll be staying far from the malls… but for all you hard core shoppers out there, Enjoy!
I sat on the couch trying to fix the fringe on my hijab that got messed up in the wash. I looked over at the bag of wet laundry that still needed to be hung to dry. I continued on the fringe. My mind wandered. My mom is giving me a hard time. I’m trying to deal with it. She’s annoyed that I changed my cell phone number. Here’s news: so am I. I didn’t enjoy receiving weird text messages and phone calls. I’ve had the same phone number for the last 8 years, and it was an easy one to remember. Oh well, what could I do?
She’s also annoyed that I’m muslim. It’s been 5 years, get over it! She’s being kind of mean about it though. I have a headache.
I wish I didn’t have to think about what my mom is putting me through right now. I need to focus. There’s so much to get done, so many things to do, so many things to look forward to. The next couple of weeks are going to be so busy.
I better hang up my wet laundry.
I’ve been so afraid so long. So afraid to let go of something that was never really mine to begin with. Just a bunch of hopes and dreams that I was afraid to let go of.
I prayed so much to Allah about all of this. To allow me to just let it go. To not be afraid. To move on.
It’s amazing the things that can happen when you finally decide to let go of the things that were holding you down. Life seems to be getting better and better. It’s amazing how much things are changing in such a short time. Alhamdulilah.
I can’t wait for next week. Four days off of work in a row. Thursday thru Sunday, pretty sweet. Only eight more days, eight more days! See how slow my life is… I have to countdown to days off. InshaAllah it will be the best four days ever.
It’s been a busy week, with a lot on my mind. I wanted to post this earlier, but didn’t get a chance. Last Sunday I made dinner for my family, and took pics of course. My mom was super impressed by how I can cook and keep everything so tidy at the same time. She is like a whirlwind in the kitchen, and I clean as I go. Alhamdulilah, we had a nice dinner and spent a really nice time together.
All the dishes prepared and ready to go. I should take a better picture of the cups. I think they are so cute, they have little gold fishies on them.
Green beans, gotta be a little healthy.
Corn bread stuffing right outta the bird! Yes, I stuffed the turkey.
Garlic mashed potatos. I’m making myself hungry now.
That’s right, I made the gravy myself. My mom was impressed, apparently it never turns out for her. She said it was the best gravy ever.
And… the meal is not complete without the turkey of course.
I made enough food, I bought the cookies.
My mom brought a salad too. We had so much food. Alhamdulilah.
It felt like a hand reached into my chest, grabbed my heart, and just squeezed it. It was the worst sensation. I know that words can not even describe this horrible feeling. How can you explain how it feels when your heart is being ripped from your chest? You just can’t. How can you explain how it feels to have your heart left half-dead? I remember it so vividly though it was a few years ago. It happened the day after I took shahada and accepted islam. How do you go from the feeling like you are starting life over again one day to feeling that your heart is being squeezed the next?
My heart was left for dead….
until the other day.
Such pain. I had to hold myself up in the store, hoping nobody would notice. My heart burst, such exquisite pain, and then…. nothing.
I no longer feel. Maybe it’s better this way. If I never love, trust, or care about another person again then I will never have to feel that pain again. Maybe it’s just better this way.
I spent some time with my mom this afternoon. She wanted to go shopping and hang out. Neither one of us bought anything, but we just wandered and had a nice time. One of her objectives was to go to the MinuteClinic because she thought she had an ear infection. So we found the nearest one at a Cub store. She was in there for over a half an hour.
I sat in the waiting section which is at the end of the checkout lines. I watched people bag their groceries and leave. I watched the boy’s soccer team ask if they could bag groceries for donations. I sat, I watched, and I started to think. I was thinking about Organic’s post on Husband Shopping and some of the comments on that post. Some people posted that it’s best to just let it come naturally, to possibly “bump” into Mr. Perfect in the grocery store. Well, I got news for you people, I didn’t see one muslim brother that I could bump into.
It’s not that easy to be muslim and try to find a husband when your family is christian and can’t help you. If I do see a brother at the grocery store, do you really think we’re going to approach each other? We don’t know if the other one is married. Would I really want a brother that’s going to be approaching me in a store? Probably not.
I don’t know where I’ll find him, or who he’ll be. I pray to Allah that it’s a good, lasting relationship. I know one thing for sure, I don’t ever want to be looking for a husband again!