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I realized last night as I was driving that the one thing I’d been missing for months finally had a name. You know when a piece of you is missing, it’s just more difficult when you can’t even figure out what that piece is. Do I feel better now that my missing piece has a name? Not really. In a way it only makes it that much sadder, and disappointing. I want to be in a profession where I try to inspire this in other people. How can I inspire others if I, myself, don’t have it?

After months (more accurately a couple of years) of being trampled on, and pushed down, how can I feel it? How can I feel that things will get better when they never do? I feel like I am a hamster running in a wheel. I run like the wind, but the destination never changes. How do I motivate myself out of this place, and get back what is missing?


4 days turned into 4 weeks, and 4 weeks will soon turn into 4 months.

So, I haven’t had a chance to blog about my weekend yet. It was super busy, but very fun. Friday I went with a girlfriend of mine to something spectacular. I am going to blog about that later though. Saturday afternoon my mom came to my apartment. We went to Ulta, and then browsed through Borders. After that I treated my mom to dinner. She chose Chinese buffet, which is pretty odd for my mom. We came back to my place to watch some movies I rented. We watched “Little Miss Sunshine” which we both thought was phenomenal. We started to watch “Super-Size Me”, but got too tired and finished it in the morning before we went out for more shopping.

My mom is a shopaholic. We were out for 6 hours on Sunday. Thank God nothing adverse happened, and my mom was quite tolerable. We really had a blast! We went to my sister’s work and checked her out. Every now and again my mom likes to assess my sister’s appearance to see if she’s using drugs. We look at her weight, skin, hair, and behavior. Good times! Our assessment didn’t show really good results. It makes me look like the good child though!

Anyway, my mom exhausted me. I went to bed really early on Sunday.

I am going to share a little-known thing about myself today. I make to-do lists. I buy “list notebooks” of all different varieties, and have them all over the apartment. I think I have about five of these tablets lying around. I get them at the dollar section in Target (good deal). It’s not that I just make the lists, but I can’t seem to get even simple things done without them. Even some simple cleaning tasks that don’t take very long, I have to list them. It seems that without a list to follow, I am inept. Maybe I never learned time management skills while growing up.
The one thing I do know; nothing is more satisfying than crossing off all the things on that list. I have today’s list made out, and haven’t started on it yet. My mom will be sleeping here tonight and spending time with me. So, I better get on it, and get my stuff done!

Have you ever put a DVD on a different language that you don’t really understand and watched it? Of course not all the way through, that would get annoying. However, if you just watch a scene in a different language it’s kind of funny. Especially if it’s a movie you’ve watched alot. I know I’m odd, but at least I can keep myself entertained.

As a sidenote I saw my bicycle riding friend in the garage today. That greatly amuses me; I don’t particularly know why, but it makes me giggle.

This post is all about my mom. I spent over a half hour talking with her on the phone this evening. I was reminded of things that I’ve always known about her, but it doesn’t hurt to appreciate again. My mom and I don’t always get along, but I love her dearly and appreciate so many things she’s done for me.

We talked about my dad a little bit tonight. He hasn’t had much to do with me in the last 6 months. It’s a little weird, sad, and what else can I say? My mom tells me that he’s the one that’s missing out. You can’t make someone be a dad. She asked if it made me sad. I said it doesn’t really. Maybe it’s the state of mind I’ve been in. Loss doesn’t seem like much to me anymore. My mom’s father passed away when she was young; he didn’t disregard her as my dad does me. Besides I have my step-dad. He is a kind and caring person. He will call to ask how I’m doing every now and again. I know my mom and step-dad get upset over how my dad treats me, but they don’t ever say anything to me.

This is the one thing I respect and appreciate the most about my mom. After her and my dad got divorced (I was 6), she didn’t bad mouth him. She would always say nice things about him even if he was acting like a total tool. She didn’t want to influence the way we saw our dad. My dad, on the other hand would bad mouth my mom. My mom is the one that realized I would soon see how my dad really was. She was right, and she is the one I respect for being such an ADULT about it.

Thank you mom. Thank you, thank you.

A note on economizing:

There are some things you can economize on when you need to. There are other things that are not so good to economize on. Take for instance Target brand Motrin, it’s the same thing, buy it! Target or Walmart brand feminine hygiene products… stay far away from. When it comes to things that are necessities, generic brands just don’t measure up.

“…If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with!”
-Dorothy in “Wizard of Oz”

How many times have I watched this movie? Quite a few. How many times have I passed by this thought? Many. I forget what is important, and right there in front of me. I forget to be patient, and I go looking elsewhere for something I already have. I love adventure, but no matter where I go, I always come back home.

Today was mine. A boring day with nothing to do. I did some reading, watched a movie, went out for yarn, and did some general reflection on life. In the last couple weeks so many things have happened. Some good, some bad, and some things that I just don’t know what to make of them. Mostly the last.

I’ve heard from people that have been out of my life for a while. Some ties have been cut with others. I feel as though I’m at a stop sign, and don’t know whether to turn left, go right, or stay straight. There are so many things that you think you can count on, and then you realize nothing in this world is that predictable. It is a valuable lesson learned. You can’t count on anything besides Allah to get you through the unpredictable.

Today I mourn a loss.

Today I look forward to future prospects.

Today I am content with what is.

Monster Cookies? Yeah, that’s right, I made monster cookies for the masses. It’s always best when you have an excuse to make them and share them. If I make them for my co-workers, then I get one, but I’m not stuck with all of them. It’s a genius plan really. Make everyone gain weight!