You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2006.

Okay, so I’m probably not dying. I am, however quite ill. I can’t even believe I’m sitting on the computer blogging. I woke up this morning with a gland swollen on one side of my chin/neck area. It’s HUGE! It’s the size of a bigger super ball. I am achy and my head is swimmy. Swollen gland/s usually means one thing for me, strep throat! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

I am unusual in that way. I never get a sore throat first, I usually get swollen glands for a few days, and then the sore throat! So when I go to the doctor they never swab me, but today I told them they must swab! Swab, swab, swab, nothing quite like gagging on a couple of giant Q-tips being stuck down your throat.


Why am I so annoying sometimes? You know you are too weird when you start thinking of yourself as weird. Really. Abreva is Amazing-zing-zing!!!!! Why am I adding extra “zings”? I don’t know! Honestly, the gi-normous cold sore is looking better.

To all you readers out there who think Minnesota is always cold: you are wrong, wrong, wrong! It was around 95 degrees today. I will never get used to the heat/humidity mixture here, made even worse by the scarf on my head. To the readers that want to ask if I am hot in what I wear: Yes, I am. I was hot when I wore tank tops and shorts and I am hot with even more clothes on. Do the extra clothes make that much of a difference? Not really. When it’s 95, it’s 95. The only thing I can say for the extra clothing is that the sun isn’t beating on my skin. I feel cooler that way, and I don’t get burnt. Nice.

What a nice weekend, filled with friends and meeting the possible future Mister. Yeah, that’s right, he’s adorable. I didn’t just talk to him, but some of the other siblings. I don’t see how this can fail. He seems wonderful, and I have the assurance from my friend who has been around him alot, that he’s wonderful. How can this go wrong when you truly trust those that are setting you up? Time will tell. I am excited though, I won’t lie. Best not to get the hopes up too high, we know what happens then…

Awwwww, crap, I better stop. I need sleep. Must go to dreaded work in the morning!

Hideous, absolutely hideous! That is all I can say. I woke up this morning with the most disgusting, nasty, irritating cold sore on my mouth. I didn’t even feel the “tingle” that leads up to the dratted thing. It was just there this morning. It has to happen on the day I’m going to meet a my friend’s brother-in-law! Not only that but my face is horribly broken out. My face is indicating how stressed out by everything I truly am. I have tried to ignore the stress, but the cold sore… that is a definite high-stress indicator. I haven’t gotten a cold sore in over a year, they only show up when I’m stressed out to the max. I knew I was stressed, I just didn’t think it was so bad to rear a cold sore.

I’ll stop with that anyway. The brother has seen my picture and said I am “beautiful”. My face feels like it’s turning red again. We got along quite well, have similar attitudes about life, and enjoy the same things. This could be “The One”. We will see, but I’m certain that if this doesn’t work, I am giving up. I just can’t handle the pain and heartache of getting attatched to someone and losing them. When you start talking to someone for Islamic marriage and you get along with them, it’s hard if it doesn’t work out. You don’t really have the opportunity to carry on a friendship. You talk to someone for months and if it doesn’t work, you lose a friend. That is the hardest and most difficult aspect for me. That’s what devastates me the most about Mr. U. It hasn’t been easy to go from talking to someone nearly every day to nothing. Crap! And I wonder why I have a cold sore! I could not take it again. Once more would be enough for me to stay single. Allah is with me, and I have faith will do what is best for me. Even if I do look like a monster today.

I hit the road and went to mom’s today. The good news is, my mom wasn’t the antagonist today. The bad news is, grandma was. I wasn’t planning on going there when my mom told me a couple of days ago that grandma and grandpa would be visiting. They only visit from a different state about once a year. The plans I had today didn’t happen, so… I called mom. She needed rescuing, bad.

I told her I wouldn’t make it there in time for lunch. She said fine, and we’d be going out to dinner. She then added very fast that I didn’t need to wait until dinner time to come there though. A serious cry for help!

Mom, who never drinks, had a couple. If you need to drink to deal with your own mother, there is something wrong. I must say though, I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since converting 3 1/2 years ago, and even I could have drank myself silly. I complain about my mom, but I love the woman. Mothers are frustrating to daughters at times, but I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She asked me several times today if she was like her mom. NO, you’re not. My mom is passive-aggressive, but she is trying to do what she thinks is good for me. Grandma, she makes mean comments in her casual conversation. She does it in an indirect way. I don’t even know how to describe it. She’s mean. I can take it, I let it roll off of me. I had a husband that made me feel stupid and worthless. I lived with him every day; I only have to deal with her once a year. If only my mom could let it roll just as easy… I can’t save her from everything.

Aaaaaah, a day off of work. Nothing quite like starting a 4 day weekend! I did, however work hard in the house. I started off my day by doing my workout. Since I was already gross I decided I would start cleaning (I have no idea where the motivation came from). I have a list of “spring cleaning” items that I work into my normal cleaning routine. I get a few done every week, this week I cleaned the patio doors, vacuumed the heat registers, and dusted the vanity lightbulbs and fixtures. When I got to this last chore I had a bit of glass cleaner on a towel. I decided to gently wipe the dust off of the bulbs, there are six of them. I got to number 5, and didn’t wipe good enough so I had to make a second pass. It exploded! I didn’t know that would happen! I screamed! I’m so lucky I didn’t get a glass shard in my eye. I barely touched the thing!

Lucky enough for me I had just bought a 3-pack of those bulbs because 2 were burnt out before. So I grabbed the last one from the closet and put it in. I continued on with my cleaning of the bathroom: the mirrors, sink, tub, and toilet. When I was done I looked up at the vanity lights, another one had burnt out. I should have spent a little more for the 6-pack.

The other day I discovered a light switch in my kitchen. It’s in an odd place, and I guess I never paid it any attention. I flipped it a couple of times, but couldn’t figure out what purpose it had. I shrugged my shoulders, left it alone, and promptly forgot about it. I went in the kitchen with the vacuum to get any spider webs I might find on the ceiling or top of cupboards. I looked up at the ceiling and noticed a vent like the ones that are fans in the bathroom ceilings. Hey, can you guess what the light switch is for? I have a fan directly above the stove that I use, I never really thought there would be another one on the ceiling! I’ve lived in this apartment for almost 2 years now… it’s amazing what treasures remain uncovered!

Wow, my friend and coworker gave me a really nice compliment today. I was talking with her about the company gathering that we are having next week at the headquarters building. I asked if she wanted to ride over there together. She knows I’m a basket case. I could never go over there by myself and walk around alone. It would give me the worst anxiety; such a large crowd. It is a company-wide ordeal, spanning several buildings. I can not walk into situations like that and try to find people. I didn’t go last year for that exact reason.

She said she understands where I’m coming from, but I know so many people. She told me even though she’s worked more years than I, I know more people than she does. She said I am always friendly with everyone, and can talk to so many people. I can see that in myself. I always give people a smile, and ask how they are. It was a nice compliment that someone thinks I am outgoing and friendly. It made me remember a card that was stuck in my locker at work a few months ago. One lady was moving to another job and I hardly knew her. She put the note in my locker that said something about not knowing me, but knowing that I cared by the smile or “hello” that I would give. And it is the small things like that which count. It reminds me of a poem that speaks to me in the same way. That you can do something so small and you may not even know that you touched someone else.

The Solitary Reaper
Behold her, single in teh field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.
No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne’er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.
Will no one tell me what she sings?
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?
Whate’er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o’er the sickle bending;-
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.
–William Wordsworth–

My mother has the best intentions, I’m sure. She does get somewhat aggrevating at times though. She is doing things the “all-natural” way. Which, is not the worst thing in the world. She has been symptom free for 3 years from a serious condition she was diagnosed with. This is not a condition that is reversible, so I do see that this way can work. Sometimes she seems to go over the top though.

Recently she learned of something called the “Chi Machine”. She gave me the DVD to watch, and I watched some of it, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Someone lent her the machine and she believes it really works. I have my doubts. The guy in the video has the most monotonous voice ever. I could hardly endure the few minutes of the video I watched, let alone an hour. I hope I don’t offend anyone who believes in this machine, but I think it’s a crock o’ crap. I was telling a coworker about the video, and her cousin was trying to sell them before. $500 for something that moves your ankles back and forth. I can pay my little brother 10 bucks to do the same thing for 5 minutes. Apparently many people believe in it and buy it. I guess if you believe hard enough, you can tell yourself that anything is making you feel better. Ahhhhhh, the power of positive thinking!

On a side note to the video: The guy had the bun and burger of a McD’s Big Mac. Just the bun and burger, no sauce or anything had ever been added to it. He claims that he has kept them in the Big Mac box for 9 years! He says they have never molded or turned funky. He is claiming that they add so much preservative crap that they don’t decompose like they should and we are putting this junk in our bodies. I wonder if it’s true, or if he bought it that morning for the video… I think I may have to purchase one and keep it around to see for myself! Seeing is believing.

Well I can’t talk about the all-natural stuff without mentioning the all-natural doctor. My mom goes to an all-natural healing doctor. She feels that I should go to. She does anything and everything to push me towards this. It’s not a step I am ready for. The way that I would have to eat would change, and all the supplements (vitamins) that I would have to take would be too much for me. I’m not ready. So one day she calls me and asks me if I would go if I had the money to pay for it. I said I might. She said good, because her uncle gave her some money so I could go. I went once and couldn’t keep on the “program”. The doctor only comes Minnesota once every couple of months. So he is coming soon and my mom calls and asks if I want to make an appointment. I tell her no, I have too much going on and don’t have time. She calls me back and leaves a message while I’m at work. She tells me that she made both her and I an appointment. I should let her know if I want to keep it, or should she call back and cancel? Could you passive some agressive with that?

Sometimes God gives you those little reminders to let you know you don’t have it so bad. The last couple of days have had some for me. Reminders to make me humble, to remind me who’s in charge.

As a muslim I know I am not supposed to tell of the good deeds I do. I am not here to tell what I did, but how I felt afterward. I feel that I am a very sweet, caring individual on an every day basis. I feel that I help people and do things to make their life better. Islam says that even a smile is an act of charity towards another person. When you have nothing else to give, you can always give a smile. The good deed I did yesterday was nothing big, but it made me cry. I used to do things like this for people all the time. People used to accept my help more when I wasn’t muslim. Now they feel afraid that I might do something to them. I was so happy that this non-muslim person accepted my help, that it made me cry. It also reminded me that there are so many things that I can do, that others can’t. I need to be thankful to Allah for my mobility.

I also need to be thankful for life in general. Today on my way to work I saw a really terrible accident. I had to sit at the stop light for quite some time, not too far from the scene. A firetruck, 3 cop cars, and the ambulance were all there. They were trying to get into one of the vehicles and had the stretcher waiting. They couldn’t get in, and I was glad the light turned green so I didn’t have to see anymore. I don’t think there was an actual fatality there, but it sure gets the mind working. I hate seeing accidents. I get a creepy feeling, and thank Allah I wasn’t there however many minutes earlier. It is a definite reminder that life is short, and to make the best of it. I saw an even worse accident about a year ago; the car had rolled over. I was supposed to leave the house with my little brother. I got a phone call, and my brother was all impatient to leave. I told him to wait a minute, let’s not hurry, and let me finish my call. Alhamdulilah, thank Allah, imagine if I had not taken that call! Everything happens for a reason. Life is too precious to take for granted and waste our time on trivial things.

Simply put, why can’t people be honest? If you ask someone a question flat out, why can’t they answer honestly? I value honesty. There are some things that I think you have to omit once in a while. There are some things about islamic marriage that my parents would never understand. So I tiptoe around some things. When it comes right down to it though, I am very honest.

If someone upsets me I will tell them. Maybe it might take me a little bit to calm down and think about it first, but I feel it’s just better to put everything out there. Sometimes it might hurt a person’s feelings at first, but in the long run they will be better for it. I, in turn, wish some people could be honest like that with me. Allah made everyone different though. Be thankful for our differences I guess. In my experience though a person who isn’t honest usually just hurts someone else. It ends in misery, devastation, and disappointment. Is it any wonder that I don’t trust most men? Women I know don’t usually lie to me… except my sister and that’s a whole different story. I can’t believe anything that comes from her mouth! That’s an entry or 3 all on it’s own.

Men, and I don’t mean all of them, have a more profound tendency to be dishonest. The thing about lying is that the truth will eventually come out. Even if it seems like such a small thing. Take Mr. First Love, for instance. This man and I have never really had an argument. I trusted him for everything. After 5 years of knowing him, I found out his real age. This may seem insignificant, but it’s a lie. He let it slip that he is 4 years older than what he originally told me. Lies always come out, eventually it slips, and somebody remembers what the original statement was and figures things out. Eventually someone hurts from it.

Often I feel that I’m lied to. I wonder if I’m just that untrusting, or I meet compulsive liars… Hmmm…. Only Allah knows.

Here we go again…

For the past three years my friend’s husband has insisted that I would be perfect for his brother. He thinks our personalities would totally mesh. For some reason or another I’ve avoided this route. I got married, got divorced, and have been talking to someone else. I said I would meet the brother last ramadan, but it didn’t happen because I started talking to Mr. U. Well I went to dinner with my friend and the subject has been broached again. Just writing about this gives me anxiety.

InshaAllah I will be meeting a new brother. I will be moving on, just like I said I would. It’s so scary. I know this sister very well, she is one of my closest friends. I know she would never recommend someone that wasn’t right for me. Her and I would be sister-in-laws! It’s so crazy to think about. Life is so unpredictable. I hope that this will not lead to heartache again. I often wonder how situations can go so wrong, wrong, wrong. Well here we go again…

A new beginning